TIMING IS EVERYTHING … I was born on a Thursday before the opening Saturday of the college football season … this gave me little more than 24 hours to read the “Latest Line” in the morning paper and issue my first fearless forecast for that weekend’s games … I’ve been picking college outcomes ever since, sometimes with my head and sometimes with my heart … the head has a better win-loss percentage, but there’s nothing like the feeling you get when you win one with your heart, like Oregon State’s 3-0 “Giant Killer” win over No. 1 USC and O.J. Simpson so many Novembers ago …
BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD SPOT … the NCAA doesn’t know what to do with the allegation that a runaway Univ. of Miami booster paid for prostitutes for select Hurricanes … generally, when a player receives something of value beyond what the NCAA allows – think cars, meals, shoes, someone to take your exams for you – it’s regarded as an “extra benefit” since someone else paid for the services … the normal course of action when that happens is for the offending athlete to make restitution for the value of the goods received if he wishes to regain his eligibility … but I’m not certain the NCAA has anything in its bylaws that demands restitution for prostitution …
A CLOSET FULL OF TROUBLE ... while the Baton Rouge police are interested in collecting DNA from Jordan Jefferson's 49 pairs of shoes, the NCAA simply wants to know how a poor, struggling scholarship athlete could afford 49 pairs of shoes ... there's probably a simple explanation ... like maybe he grew up admiring Imelda Marcos ...
CUPBOARD FULL OF CUPCAKES … fattening one’s record to guarantee a spot in the post-season has become an art form … beat four cupcakes, go 2-6 in conference and “earn” a bowl bid to somewhere in the Lower 48 with a 6-6 record … Nebraska has been the world leader in this for decades, but Bill Snyder also did a pretty good job of it as he brought Kansas State back from the bottom of the barrel to college football respectability by greasing the win-loss record in the early season … Alabama has followed suit this fall with games against Kent State, North Texas and Georgia Southern, while Connecticut faces Fordham, which has only Six Blocks of Granite now that Vince Lombardi has graduated …
WORST GAME IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL SCHEDULING HISTORY … sometimes mismatches happen without warning … maybe you scheduled someone long ago when they were more competitive, but their program went one direction and yours went another … the University of California has no such excuse for its game Sept. 17 with Presbyterian … sure, all kinds of big time schools gobble up the little guys early in the season, but not only is Presbyterian an FCS team, it’s a really bad FCS team … the Blue Hose don’t even know how to put on their socks or lace up their cleats … if there was ever a time for the “Mercy Rule” in college football, this is it … if one team leads by more than 10 touchdowns with less than a half remaining, the game should be called then and there, no questions asked … this one may rival Georgia Tech’s 222-0 win over Cumberland in 1916 and will certainly surpass Cal’s own 127-0 embarrassment of itty-bitty St. Mary’s four years later … the not-so-Golden Bears should be ashamed …
NEW MATH … I’m trying to teach my six-year-old arithmetic, but not getting any help from the 12-member “Big 10” or the 10-member “Big 12,” which may be down to nine members one day soon … good thing we live in California, where Pac-10 commissioner Larry Scott said the conference would immediately be “numerically correct” in its title after it added Utah and Colorado in the off-season …
PERFECT SLATE … as of Sept. 1, there are 120 unbeaten FBS teams in the nation … given the number of Bakery League cream puffs on most everyone’s schedule this weekend, that number won’t drop much in Week 1 …
BOOK ‘EM, DANNO … wonder why Ohio State threw the book at Jim Tressel? … turns out he had a Pryor …
TOP OF THE HEAP … 1) Oklahoma, 2) Oregon, 3) Alabama, 4) LSU, 5) Stanford, 6) Texas A&M, 7) Boise State, 8) Florida State, 9) Oklahoma State, 10) Wisconsin, 11) Nebraska, 12) Arkansas, 13) Notre Dame, 14) Florida, 15) TCU, 16) West Virginia, 17) Georgia, 18) Mississippi State, 19) Texas, 20) Missouri, 21) South Carolina, 22) Virginia Tech, 23) USC, 24) Utah, 25) Nevada.
THE OTHER END … 120) New Mexico, 119) New Mexico State … (save the date: the two worst teams in America meet in Albuquerque on Oct. 1. Admission is free. Charging to watch this debacle would violate all sorts of laws against fraud.)
The long and wondrous 2011 college football season is about to begin. Most of us can hardly wait.
There will be 50 percent winners and 50 percent losers and no tie games.
The object here is to pick only winners.
This week’s picks are as follows:
OREGON over LOUISIANA STATE … the off-season is much harder on football coaches than the regular season … Oregon, known for its fast-paced offense, suspended one of its top players for being too fast – like 118 mph in someone else’s rental car in the middle of the night on Interstate 5 … LSU, meanwhile, suspended its starting quarterback after he was charged with something far more serious than unsportsmanlike conduct for his alleged participation in a bar fight that left one person seriously injured … whoever wins this one will immediately head to the head of the class when folks start talking about the national championship … and even the loser won’t be eliminated … yet … Ducks by 3.
OKLAHOMA over TULSA … the Sooners are poised to go all the way, and while Tulsa occasionally scares people with its high-octane offense, the recent suspension of wide receiver and all-everything threat Damaris Johnson ended all hope of an upset … this one won’t be close … Sooners by 40.
UPSET OF THE WEEK: Georgia over Boise State … if this game were on the Smurf Turf in Boise, the outcome would be different … the Bulldogs are poised to return to college football’s elite … Boise is already there … Bulldogs by 7.
DON’T BET ON IT, BUT: Notre Dame over South Florida … they’re already talking national championship in South Bend, which is way premature … nevertheless, the Irish have finally found their man in Brian Kelly, who has the know-how to take college football’s most storied program back to the Promised Land … Irish by 3.
ROUT OF THE WEEK: Nebraska over Chattanooga … just plain embarrassing … then again, the Huskers have made a living rolling over Bakery League cupcakes in the early season … besides, the folks in Lincoln will buy tickets no matter who’s on the schedule … Huskers by 60.
TEXAS A&M over SMU … while the Aggies search for a conference (the WAC has some openings), they’d best be advised to focus on the road ahead, which has more than a few speed bumps along the way … one of those bumps comes Sunday against an SMU outfit that’s always dangerous when June Jones is roaming the sideline … Aggies by 21
BRIGHAM YOUNG over MISSISSIPPI … a tough early-season test for the Boys from the Y … a win here could set the suddenly independent and already bowl-bound Cougars up for a stellar season … Cougars by 14.
STANFORD over SAN JOSE STATE … shouldn’t be played … will be called at halftime after Andrew Luck throws for 1,200 yards and 13 touchdowns in the first quarter alone … the Spartans should drop down to Division III where they belong … best to ignore Stanford until Nov. 12 when Oregon comes to town … Stanford by 56.
TEXAS CHRISTIAN over BAYLOR … Robert Griffin III makes the Bears a threat every time he touches the ball, but Gary Patterson’s kids are here to stay, despite significant losses through graduation … Horned Frogs by 10.
USC over MINNESOTA … now that the Trojans have officially decided to quit complaining and take their NCAA-mandated medicine, the future is bright … yes, this will be another bowl-less season, but with new Pac-12 rivalries emerging – especially with Utah – this team will have much to play for … Trojans by 28.
TEXAS over RICE … after burning all film from the 2010 season, the Longhorns have decided to start playing football again … Texas by 32.
AUBURN OVER UTAH STATE … three questions for Auburn fans this year: 1) can Cam’s dad deliver us another savior before the season begins?; 2) will Toomer’s Oaks survive?; 3) can the War Eagles win even six games this year? … answers: one yes and two no’s … Auburn by 27.
MIAMI (Fla.) over MARYLAND … not certain about his depth chart even at this late date, Al Golden was seen in the Hurricane’s equipment room trying on shoulder pads … could be worse … no matter who shows up Monday, the Hurricanes will be motivated … Miami by 4.
HAWAII over COLORADO … why does every gambler subscribe to satellite television so he can watch those middle-of-the-night games from Aloha Stadium? … because it’s the only way to double down on all the bets he lost during the daylight hours … for non-gamblers, of which there are a few, Hawaii is more fun to watch than just about any team in college football, with the exception of Oregon … Warriors by 8.
UCLA over HOUSTON … after several years of uncharacteristic frustration, the Bruins are headed up the college football ladder … expect this team to be bowl eligible by season’s end … and why do I keep confusing Houston’s prolific quarterback with the guy who used to do the American Top 40? … UCLA by 1.
CAL over FRESNO STATE … those crazy Bulldog fans have snapped up way more tickets than Cal fans for this Candlestick Park oddity, causing much consternation and embarrassment among athletic administrators in Berkeley … Fresno is not quite the fearsome monster it was a few years back, but with a stint at Fresno State a part of his personal past, Cal coach Jeff Tedford will make sure his players are focused on the task at hand … Cal by 2.
FIVE EASY PICKS … there are so many lopsided, shouldn’t-be-played-even-in-your-wildest-dreams games this weekend that it’s hard to know where to start … this week’s sure-fire winners are Alabama (over Kent State), Wisconsin (over UNLV), Rutgers (over North Carolina Central), Florida State (over Louisiana-Monroe) and Oklahoma State (over Louisiana-Lafayette).
OTHER GAMES THAT SHOULDN’T BE PLAYED … hey, let’s just mail these in so no one gets hurt … go with North Carolina State (over Liberty), Arkansas (over Missouri State), Texas Tech (over Texas State), Florida (over Florida Atlantic), Central Florida (over Charleston Southern), Cincinnati (over Austin Peay), Texas (over Rice), UTEP (over Stony Brook), Arizona (over Northern Arizona), Georgia Tech (over Western Carolina), Mississippi State (over Memphis), Oregon State over (Sacramento State), Utah (over Montana State) and Air Force (over South Dakota).
BIG 10 BULLIES … it’s as if every coach in the Big 10 got together and conspired to have the league go undefeated on opening weekend … thus we get Tressel-less Ohio State (over Akron), Wisconsin (over UNLV), Michigan (over Youngstown State), Penn State (over Indiana State), Iowa (over Tennessee Tech), Purdue (over Middle Tennessee), Nebraska (over Chattanooga), Michigan (over Western Michigan), Illinois (over Arkansas State) and Indiana (over Ball State) … the only Big Tenners who will have to wear protective gear this weekend are Northwestern (over Boston College) and Minnesota (going down hard to USC).
IF THEY COULD CANCEL IT THEY WOULD … the Worst Game of the Week award for the first Saturday in September easily goes to Colorado State at New Mexico … come Sunday morning one of these Sad Sacks will be unbeaten, untied and maybe unscored upon … but nationally ranked? … hardly …
ARIZONA STATE over UC DAVIS … before you overlook the FCS Aggies, remember that they shocked the collegiate football world six years ago with a 20-17 upset of Stanford … last year, however, they managed just four first downs and less than a hundred yards in falling to Cal, 52-3 … the historically underachieving Sun Devils are poised for a Pac-12 title run with the Meanest Man in College Football, Vontaze Burfict, leading the way … ASU by 17.
OTHER GAMES … Louisville over Murray State, Connecticut over Fordham, Kentucky over Western Kentucky, Missouri over Miami (Ohio), Virginia Tech over Appalachian State, Clemson over Troy, Pittsburgh over Buffalo, Tennessee over Montana, South Carolina over East Carolina, Southern Mississippi over Louisiana Tech, Iowa State over Northern Iowa, Central Michigan over South Carolina State, Eastern Michigan over Howard, Kansas over McNeese State, Kansas State over Eastern Kentucky, Vanderbilt over Elon, Wyoming over Weber State, San Diego State over Cal Poly SLO, West Virginia over Marshall, Washington over Eastern Washington, and Washington State over Idaho State.
